Archive for August, 2005


Saturday, August 20th, 2005

Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Just finished a sex energy session with newly named Cousin, Keith Hennessey. I was the winning bidder at the Faeire Fund Auction here at Summer Breitenbush. Riversong and Whitewater were also part of it. My cards from the Dirty Tarot were Revolution, Heart and Pussy in the mind, body and spirit places, and the Batter card as clarification for the Revolution card.

Revolution in the mind is about breaking old ways of thinking, but revolution is not permanent. The Batter card as reenforcment means that I have everything that I need, and batter is sweet, but it has not yet taken form; it still needs to bake. Each kind of batter has characteristics that limit what shape it can take. The actions in revolution usually are stronger than they need to be, but they are still effective. “Breaking the window the the bank.”

The Heart card in the Body position ?

The Pussy card in the Spirit position is about birth, fertility, and newness.

Keith blew away what was left with Steve. I will spend time in the river tomorrow to experience the contraction from the cold and the movement of the water.

I want to cover my scalp in honey to sweeten my mind and my outlook.

90 to Zero

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

The alarm on my cell phone went off early. Soon Sheila, Shamli and I were up and ready to go. We swung by the upper house to say goodbye to my Dad and Susan, then headed to the Weed Bakery where I bought donuts for the hikers that might be at Castella.
I dropped off Sheila and Shamli, who were southbound, then went to the Castle Crags Park campground, where I met and picked up Nickel, Wildcat, Mel and Jim. Breakfast in Dunsmuir was first, then I took Mel and Jim to Shasta City.

After an unsuccessful attempt to leave early, I got on the road headed north and arrived at Breitenbush 5.5 hours later, only stopping to get a tank of gas. In Oregon, gas had long-ago prices like $2.49 a gallon.
I rushed to get dinner in the Breitenbush dining room then moved into cabin E2. I participated in the opening ritual, grabbed the Forest Shelter for my workshop Saturday, then headed down to the river.

I stood on the bridge above the Breitenbush River. A red, muted moon, one tick away from full, sat low and listless in the sky. The grass farmers of the Willamette Valley are burning their fields sending bizarrely powerful columns of smoke that quickly disburse creating an entirely unpleasant visual experience.

I was wrapped in Alison’s coat. I turned to face downstream and started to let go. I knew that I wanted to let go of something about my relationship with Steve. I couldn’t identify what exactly I wanted to let go of. I finally came to whatever didn’t work. I let go of named fears: financial success, professional success, and other stuff. I let go of what ever was making me fat.

After some releasing, fretting, shaking, and stillness, I turned to face upstream and the red moon. I accepted professional and financial success, love (better than Steve and I had), and whatever lessons I was ready for. I acknowledged my gratitude for the community and individuals, for my great life, and more. Arms wide and resting on the bridge, I let in what the river and moon had to offer. I let the river know that I love rivers.
After a little wandering, I decided I wanted to go to the steam room, which was perfect.
I’m alive.
I’m sharing a bed with Bart, and Eric Richter and a new faerie, round out the cabin.

Alanis and Steve

Tuesday, August 16th, 2005

San Francisco, CA
Just got back from Alanis Morrisette at the Paramount in Oakland. In Palm Springs I wasn’t willing to spend $60 on Jewel, but was happy to get a $65 ticket for Alanis.
It was a great show: simple, familiar songs with lots of punch. The words are what make her work so appealing.
I’m reticent about leaving SF tomorrow. I don’t want a long drive and I don’t want to spend money on a hotel. I’m glad I’ll be staying with Jim for the month that I’ll be down there though. I’ll have a bit more of a life, and my car. Not that I’ll want to drive it after 7AM and before 8PM.
I live a great life now. Can I keep on living a great life when I’m settled? That’s a huge question.

Of course Alanis’s lyrics brought up Steve. It’s over now.

So what did I do in response to these fresh, hot thoughts? I got my Next Action list together. I want to empty my head, not ruminating looking for what I did wrong. I don’t want to rearrange my position. I’m not having a breakdown. I’m just sad that Steve and I didn’t work out.

Dear Mom #2

Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Hi Mom,
Sorry to be so long in getting this to you. I’m still in Palm Springs enjoying relative stability. I rented a room (in a comfortable house with a pool and air conditioning) for three weeks from a friend. This will be the longest I’ve been anywhere, as you know, since January. Palm Springs is not my kind of place. All my clients want me to live here, but I don’t want to. I’ll travel here for work instead.

Work here has been good. I’m even putting some money away for taxes and contemplating an IRA! I’m really enjoying working with my newest client. She’s a commercial real estate agent with over 20 years in the business. She does big land deals that are not on the market. Buyers and sellers come to her. It’s been great to witness these tens of millions dollar deals shaping up, falling down, then, with a phone call, getting revived.

The weather in Palm Springs has been exceptional since I’ve been here: exceptionally hot, exceptionally humid, and generally weird. My radiator went out, so I had it replace. In March, something like a bike or scooter scraped my car. State Farm is going to total my car, which I’m bummed about. I can live with the damage, but what’s the insurance for?

I drive to Santa Cruz on Monday, Aug. 8th, where I get a major service on my Subaru and see my chiropractor for a major service…
I spend a few days in SF after that. On Saturday the 13th, I drive to Monterey with Daniel Bergerac to our 25th high school reunion. I doubt there will be time to stop by. We are on Daniel, the independent business owner’s, schedule. I break up with my boyfriend on Sunday (it’s more than I want to go into here), then head to Oregon for a short two weeks. I’m going to a semi-annual men’s gathering at Breitenbush Hot Springs then checking out Portland as a place to live.

I’ll make it by Napa once or twice in there somewhere, and hook up with some southbound PCT hikers who are crossing into Northern California in the next couple of days.

I swing through the SF again after that, landing at your place on Sunday, August 28th. I leave that Monday for work in Tarzana, then three more weeks of work in Palm Springs in September. I’ve skipped my East Coast trip for now; I have too much going on, as you can see.

I end September and transition into October in Iowa City where I’ll be celebrating my friend Tom’s MFA in Choreography.

Today, I love this life, and my big challenge is scheduling in some days off. I may actually take Labor Day weekend off if I have no clients to work for. I have a woman (again in Palm Springs) who wants to work with me, so she may snatch me up when she can get me.

Next week I’ll be looking at a pied-a-terre in San Francisco. It could be a perfect situation. We’ll see.

Last Night in Palm Springs

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

I experienced a sandstorm with 220 degree lightning last night. It was surreal and a little alarming. I half expected a tornado to move into the beams of my headlamps, the wind was so forceful and weird.
I don’t know where I got the idea that ‘tornado wind’ would be described as weird, but there it is. I don’t even know if there’s such a thing as a ‘tornado wind’ in other people’s minds. Perhaps the idea comes from the same place in the primal (or neurotic) brain as the concept of earthquake weather.